Trinity

TRINITY

Someone, at the beginning of Time, wrote the birth of an idea. Now, that idea is me. The complexity of my being has been hunting me like a silent curse, hidden from the most and myself. I was born with a mix of unidentified rainbow colors in my soul and the best I could do, given what I had and what I knew, was to try and name them with whatever name came close enough. But nothing ever seemed to really fit me, no word actually felt precise enough to describe me.

When I was a child I remember looking in the mirror and simply seeing a friendly face and loving it, feeling like it represented all that I was. My soul, my love, my energy.  Growing up, I started developing the specific traits of my physical gender and the more I became a woman the more I started looking in the mirror and not recognizing all I saw. A part of me was slowly fading, dying at my own sight leaving me horrified and helpless. The more my woman took over the more my man disappeared, forgotten behind my esthetics.  Internally I was both, fully, equally masculine and feminine. Like a mixed AI that can run on both Mac and Windows with equal efficiency. I loved and liked both guys and girls, I was equally interested in math and science as well as the arts and the poetry of life. Everything in me was a sign of both essences, living within me. Inhabiting me like beautiful complementary pieces of the same altar I am. But I didn’t see it that way at the time. I felt an excruciating contrast and a never-ending conflict, a dangerous inability to comprehend myself and love what I became. I hated myself I hated my looks, I hated the impossible quest that kept waking me at night and nearly killed me as it became so intense to try and take my own life. Who am I? No one was responsible forthis horrible pain I felt in my soul, people were always kind and sweet to me praising both my intelligence and my beauty. Yet there was no rest for me. There was never the feeling of being FULLY loved, fully seen. I couldn’t explain myself and from the outside people weren’t given the tools to access the truth of my IDENTITY. All they had was my physical appearance and they did the best they could with all they had.

At 21 the first word of relief came to me: BISEXUAL. A person that can love and like both physical genders, both males and females. I was. I was something, I was part of something. Maybe after all I didn’t need to disappear or die, maybe someone could – love me.  But as the years passed by, I realized my quest was still pounding in my chest. Who am I? And kept me up at night, and kept me in pain, in hate, in self-rejection and desperation. All that people could see was a gorgeous gifted woman, all I saw was a weird creature that only seemed familiar half of the time I would look in the mirror. How would you feel if all of a sudden you were to find the opposite of what you expect, reflecting back at you? It was a shock. Every time. It wouldn’t get better. And I couldn’t explain it to anyone, because from the outside all looked so great. I couldn’t explain that I hated my curves because I expected to see a muscular chest instead. I didn’t even know if that was truly the problem. The complexity of my being was still hunting me like a silent curse.

And finally, after a life-long research of exploration that lead me to the other side of the world from my country of origin, while digging on every side of myself through acting, modeling, reading, writing, talking sharing listening praying to find an answer – a second word of infinite relief finally came to me to to rescue my soul. NON-BINARY. A person that internally IS both a man and a woman. A person that lives in both dimensions, contemporarily at all times. I knew I was.  And for the first time in my life I am. I am again. And tears come streaming down my face as I’m typing this. I am.  There are others like me. I belong. There is a family of being out there that lives my same truth.

The complexity of human beings is revealing itself to be so far beyond the simplicity we all have been taught. As Humans we have three different separate and independent realities that ultimately define us: our internal identity, who we feel we are. Our attraction, what we love, what we like and what we are attracted to. And our physical gender, what we look like, as far as esthetics and exterior shape. These three components are so varied and mixed and uniquely combined that trying to fit into a narrow shape is nothing but hurtful and violent. We have been violent towards ourselves, I have been. Every fucking day of my life till today, when I was given an explanation and a word of approval.

I feel the deep responsibility to share my story and my truth, because we need to know. Someone could be dying today, feeling unloved and unseen. And we know how horrible that is. How deeply it cuts when you are NOT loved for who you are. I don’t ever want to be violent nor towards myself nor towards others. I want to be in the light of knowledge and awareness and give us a better explanation of who we are. I want to be a face and a point of reference, I want to be a vessel of truth and deeper understanding. Because I am the living proof that the less you know the more you hate. The more you know the more you love.

Our generation is given this huge gift and responsibility to bring forth the new discoveries of what we are. We are not simple linear beings. We are a complex intelligent systems wired in a million ways, internally, emotionally and externally.

We are a divine TRINITY.

I pray to be in the wind of change.

I pray to be myself.

And be loved for all that I am.

EricaEfrem

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If there was one message I could choose to leave behind, one thing that I could look back at and know I’ve left as legacy, as trace of my passage on this Earth . It would be a reminder for people to dream a different dream.

If I could send a virtual hug to the world and let people know that they are ok exactly as they are, exactly where they are at on their own path of existence. So they could take a deep breath, feel gently, that everything is fine, and start from there. I would tell them to dream a new dream.
We are the dreams and the dreamers, and it is in our power and in our will to believe there will be more joy for us, in the hardest of times. That there will be more love awaiting us, after all the corners of dark sorrow.
We can choose our pain. And we can choose our way out of it. Don’t be fooled by the circumstances, we are always free to choose. Under torture, we are still free in our own mind to believe a different reality and create that so strongly in ourselves that we free ourselves from the pain. That – is the deepest lesson, the one I am patiently trying to master. The lesson we are thought from prisoners of a concentration camp. The lesson we receive from monks. From motivational speakers. From any form of mindful thinking. We are free, and self-responsible for all that surrounds us and lives within us. Pain is not for us to endure, it is simply there for us as a red flag, as a powerful, extreme remedy life exercises on us so that we can finally listen and learn. There is pain cause we are hard to listen. And we need to repeat the same downward spirals over and over again before realizing there is a different way through the maze. And in truth I tell you, any wall, is secretly a door. There are no cages, just temporary states of imbalance that we need to balance back.
We need to learn how to be the weight and the counterweight. The tight-rope walker, in the midst of it all.
This is the message I would want to leave behind, my footprints of love for you.

Dream a different dream my beloved, one of joy and abundance for your heart, and watch it manifest itself.
Then
just stay open to receive it.

EricaEfrem

The Passage

In the myriad of desert curves of my soul I reach states of exhilarating inebriation. I live in a state of natural high, chasing the songs of unwritten poets. Dancing ballades of renegades in Diaspora. I follow the lines of the ancients. The golden age of grotesque annihilates our spirits. Thus I choose to stay pure, untouched, unseen. Nomadic. I feel a guiding hand gently pushing me and pulling me, protecting me from fatal fate. I navigate to the extremes to remind myself of harmony and love. Home is where God is. It’s my essence, my breath, my sanity. I am, a multidimensional state of chaos, bouncing through black holes of desperation and freedom.

I live.

Fortitude strengthens my being and I am simply here to be a vessel of love.

I make space, I am present and absent. For everything that is meant to be, to be manifested solely through me.

Obstacles are formed in me like cliffs of necessary weight to carry.

I will always be a child at heart. Resounding in all my capricious needs and fantasies. Life occurs as beautiful to me as the skyscrapers of our infinity.

God is always smiling, facing disaster.

My life is my Cathedral and I am in His presence, exploring all that I am, all that we are, through my antithetical ways of being. There is nothing else but this nullity I am, forming and deforming,  generating fantastic shapes suddenly destroyed a millisecond after they were thought. I live, resilient.

I wanna be taken and used and shaken and lead to greatness.

A passage is opening, new gates, new spheres, new orbits. I conquer. I am open territory, wild America. Hunt me, strip me down of all that I have to leave me raw and pure. Innocent.

I am. A clean river. To reflect your dreams only.

I pray.

EricaEfrem

The Maze

There is a deep erosive pain that sits at the bottom of my soul. That no one will detect in me at a first glance. I keep it secret, covered in shame. It’s a powerful tool. Shame. It helps me in never being seen. I am ashamed of being bisexual.

So many times I have wished it would go away, like a disease, like I was told.. “it will pass when you grow up”. But I grew up, and I am still bisexual. I am fully a man, as I am fully a woman. I have the desire to take a woman like a man does and a man like a woman does. I fall in love with both, equally, entirely, deeply. I care for both, I devote myself to both, I am equally open to both. It’s like having two hearts in one body.But on the outside I appear as one, and that one happens to be a woman.

The man in me sits quiet, in a corner. Unloved and unseen. Unheard. He is not convenient, he is not conventional. People don’t wanna know about him, because it’s gross, it’s improper. He sits there, glancing at the ceiling, asking God why he’s here. With his palm around his neck, crying. This man, this man is me. I’ve kept him silent and held him captive for all these years, just terrified of what would happen if I just told people the truth “I feel like a man and a woman at the same time”. Some days I would love to just wake up as this handsome powerful man I feel in me and go love on a woman, hard. And then I look at myself, and I hate what I see. I hate the woman I see in the mirror, I hate the curves the long hair, the rounded hips, the softness on my body. I hate it and I need to look away. I feel inadequate and ridiculous, I feel pathetic. The world outside simply sees the woman and tells her she is beautiful. And I wish I was loved, too. I wish I was cared for, I wish I was invited and welcomed into life and not rejected and pushed away.

When I tell people I am bisexual, they think it’s sexy. They don’t guess the deep scars in my soul. They don’t know of all the pain and the internal conflicts, they don’t know of the sleepless nights. Restless, trying to figure out how to live. Because how do you love with two at the same time? How do you fit a relationship with another being that only requires a half of you? This is me, and I am two. I was born ambidextrous, and as hyper-creative as hyper-rational, very physical and very spiritual, with two eyes and two legs and two hands and two sexual identities. Who the fuck knows why, but that’s what God have given me. I think probably we don’t know half of what being humans means. We are so complex that we are a mystery to ourselves and we are terrified to discover the full extension of our soul. At least I was. I still am. But I am writing this piece to simply say, I am here. The man and the woman I am, I am here.

EricaEfrem.

An apple a day

To sin mean to miss the objective – so what if the objective of life was to be yourself fully?

God wants you exactly as you are because love means to have you shine of your brightest light and to be purely and simply you. Free in your own being and free in your expression. That is how I want to serve, that is the only way I can really give. To be so abundant of love and joy that it naturally radiates from me to others.

It is a sin to disregard myself, to belittle my needs, to cage my inner desires and intuitions, to mislead and manipulate my vitality and call for connection. It is a sin to deprive myself from love and touch and abundance and fulfillment.

Who asks you to SACRIFICE yourself for them is making you a sinner. Is torturing you and misguiding from your god-given path of full self-discovery and freedom to a path of disconnection and compartmentalized love.

Life is a calling you for you to be fully human, and therefore fully divine.

To be fully yourself, fully honest, loving each and every part of you. Your shadow as your light, your vital pulse, your sexual flow, your appetite for joy, your everything.

Balance with the universe comes from listening to yourself fully and loving every corner of you.

All the voices that told you, don’t ask, don’t eat, don’t feel, don’t look, don’t don’t don’t DON’T LIVE !!!! Are just the small shitty fear of being powerful creatures. AS WE ARE.

I WANNA SHINE of the fucking brightest light and I want to find my infinity, flow in my infinity, live in my infinity.
I AM EVERYTHING and I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE.

FULLY MYSELF.

Don’t ever ask me again to starve myself, to sacrifice myself, to cut myself short, to be less of who I am, to be obligated to please you and bow my head to the unholy – because HOLY is my being, my full being and my way to love. And unholy is everything that makes me less me.

You act against GOD when you act against yourself.

Love what you love, be honest with that.

It takes balls to live up to GOD, not up to sacrifice.

To fucking stand tall and enjoy every corner of you, to be judgment free and let your soul radiates. That TAKES BALLS.

And all the tiny shitty little demons that were eating your energy will attack you and tell you to go back to the cage, to go back being comfortable for others, to be malleable and easy to manipulate, to put your own value in their hands so they can tell you what do and how to be.

BUT FUCK THEM !!

Devil is what divides. It is what separates me from MYSELF and therefore others. The more parts of me I condemn the more hate I will bring to others !!

We are in the epidemic of self-hate and emotional starvation, we are so fucking full of hate for every kind of human way – we hate races we hate sexual orientations we hate body shapes we hate styles of clothing we hate books and ideas and and and and we fucking hate and judge every single breath someone is taking, cause we ARE NOT BREATHING !! And we hate seeing someone happy and free.

LIBERATE YOURSELF, don’t be a sinner, please yourself, listen to yourself and give to yourself as much as GOD would.

Give yourself unconditionally.

Love yourself unconditionally.

UNCONDITIONALLY.

YOU WERE BORN HOLY and they made you a sinner.  They have made you a sinner against yourself and what GOD gave you.

Go back to your original shape, to the way you loved when you were born, to the purity of expression when you were free to be hungry and sad and tired and happy and everything.

KIDS are the most beautiful being because they are fully human.

Shame and sacrifice are the sins. They are the Snake. That made you feel guilty for something that was true in you.

SO eat the fucking apple, share the apple and live life like it’s heaven on Earth.

HIC ET NUNC (here and now)

When I say “I love”, I wanna make sure I am actually loving.

When I say, “I LOVE YOU”. I ask myself:

Who is “I”?

What is “Love”?

Who is “You”?

When I say I love someone, I wanna make sure I am loving the reality of this being and not just my own feeling of being in love.

When I’ve been enamored I’ve been blind because I’ve overlapped my own ideal of who others were or could have been with the actual way this beings were. I’ve focused so intensely on my own images for them that I’ve ended up only seeing my own fantastic, colorful, immaculate projections on them and then I felt in love.

I’ve painted other’ souls with wonderful shades of what I needed to see. I’ve forced my own world on them, my own perception of good and sacred and worthy on them. I’ve stuffed their space with my own candles and wings. And then I felt in love.

Oh! I felt so disappointed when, simply naked and beautifully real, these souls disrobed in front of me for who they were: brave and fragile humans exposed to me.

I’ve done the same to God. I wanted Him strong, perfect, impeccable, infinite. But oh ! I’ve seen Him end, filled with black holes and uncountable imperfections. I’ve seen Him modest and bare. And humbly Beautiful. Standing in front of me.

Thus I’ve learned.

The breathtaking never-ending grace of Others that can fulfill an entire existence, lays in their heroic attempt of always trying to overcome their own tenderness and clumsiness.

This, is what I Love.

This, I can love for an entire life. Because it won’t go, when youth is gone. It won’t go, when gold is gone. It won’t go, when glory is gone.

In this, I can have Faith and Love.

In this, I can love myself and others and God. Because it’s written in every cell of all beings that we will simply TRY to love.

I will try.

This is all I have, all I know.

Life will always try to be. Love will always try to care. In its openness and in its closure, in its darkness and in its light, in its perversion and obscurity and cruelty and massacres, in its deaths and explosions. Thus Love will try, in a thousands attempts, to Love.

Therefore I forgive.

I forgive all my-selves and all my parents and all my lovers and all my Gods. And I eventually always go back to being fully open hearted.

Whoever said God is perfect condemned humans to misery. Our given reality is the most gorgeous gift. Heaven is Hic Et Nunc. HERE AND NOW.

I take it for what it is.

And I fucking love it.

Erica.

Venezia (per Nicolo’)

D’amore immenso muoio e d’immenso amore vivo.

Mi nutro dell’essenza segreta delle foglie sottili, negli arbusti divini che crescono al riparo da sguardi indiscreti. Nei terreni screziati di marmi sepolti dal tempo, nei solchi infiniti delle lave celestiali che rimandano echi di ere trascorse. Io vivo.

Nelle intemperie dei monti cerebrali che si incastrano appena alle scogliere dell’anima. I paradisi del mio essere non troveranno mai riscontro di forma o parola. Le poesie di tutti i poeti non basteranno mai a coprire l’estendersi sterminato del muschio vellutato delle mie valli votive. Nella vocazione, Io vivo.

Cercando quegli incastri effimeri, fugaci e liberi dei viaggiatori del cielo. Che con me condividono la sete di Luce e Bellezza d’inquietudine estetica che attanaglia le frasi del cuore e porta con se filari di chimere e intarsi magnetici. Il mio etere elettrico ammalia e affligge, come un turbine inedito, in allerta. Vegliate, anime vigili. Io vivo. Nelle altitudini di Icaro, ai confini tra incendi di cielo e tessuti non scritti. Le equazioni del mio mondo si dispiegano nelle proporzioni auree dei miei tracciati interiori. Semino fiori e raccolgo imperi. Se ti accosti ai navigli sii pronto a solcare. Dio e’ mio vertice e mio fondo. Al centro, io. Che d’amore immenso muoio, d’immenso amore vivo.

E le soffitte dei miei simulacri prendono piede nelle forme più astratte. Il melograno ritaglia le sagome di ponti soffusi, sospesi, a malapena stagliati nelle nebbie d’autunno. I rossi invernali, gli aranci cremosi delle vertigini verticali si dipingono su tutte le mie pareti. Nei miei corridoi, quadri. Di uomini che fui – che furono e non saro’ più. Conquistatori di mete irraggiungibili, sognatori latenti. Io sono negli specchi di carta fabbricati da ritagli del vero. Come una premonizione pensata, mi fermo, rapita dagli intarsi del vostro legno. Sulle scale dei mondi altrui, inesplorati. Io vivo.

E respiro l’incanto passivo del riflesso dell’uomo nel cielo, proboscide di elefanti cangianti che travolge spirali vergini dell’ Eva che in ogni donna risiede. Ampolle e scacchiere di vasi sacri. Mi accosto e non tocco, semplicemente ascolto. Le meraviglie dei vostri mondi, ancora inesplorati. Io vivo.

Cosi vivo.

E nell’anima prego.

Che venga l’Amore. E Sia.

The Funeral

Every time I die to myself I learn the power of life. Death is neither a life threatening experience nor life’s nemesis nor opposite. It’s a supreme gift. When I learn to die, I learn to exist. I expand the possibilities of my being. I experience the “small death” when I am in abstinence. When I choose to renounce. When I choose to have faith and remain still, without chasing pleasure and excitement. When I choose to be void. To be in absence. To fast. I learn my capacity of being beyond life. Every funeral is a celebration of my own essence, in which my soul can rejoice and restart, reset and yet continue. I am a non-linear presence. I am discontinuous yet evergreen. I can perish and still be alive: I can be fully active but choose to remain adamant; I can die but choose to still move forward. Faith, is the fuel for both. It’s the recognition of my own light, of my own nothingness and fullness – of my own space beyond time.

I learn. – Every occasion I am ready for the funeral-

I will find my will to be stronger, my Faith to be my foundation.

I trust.

That all that is mine will be mine.

The essential only.

The excess solely creates anxiety in me, it forces me to carry something my energy doesn’t require. I don’t need everything.

Therefore I die. I die to sex, I die to food, I die to relationships, I die to life itself. To be more alive than I ever was.

 

In this process. What wasn’t for me

will be shaved away

and all that is mine will be mine.

 

At the end of all times I will be me.

 

Erica

Lost and Found

I travel – at the speed of Light. My age is timeless. I might look seventeen but really, I am an old ancient soul…Thousands of years old. The seed-like marks in my eyes are the key to the secret, that kind of joy you only experience in His presence, in the presence of Life, or Sky or God or Science, however you call it no matter your beliefs, I call it Love. For from the smallest part to the biggest part the key is one: all is born from a relationship, from a connection, an interaction. Nothing exists without the other. Quantum physics says a fragment of presence can be found in two places at the same time – as it necessary for this Creation to Be. When you realize this simple pattern, this beautiful and honest design. That repeats itself in the Universe. You will sit still. Amazed. Like a Buddha in his temple, enlightened.

I have been saved innumerable times, rescued and healed by others. Maybe for a short while – I was lost. Maybe for a long time – I was lost. And always another man, another woman, another being, called me back, brought back to myself.

There are places of myself I could never see. There are sides of me I would never know – in my physical body as in my spiritual body: I will never see my own back with my own eyes. Some parts of me are just hidden to me, because it is the relationship with another being that will make them visible, tangible, palpable. Revealed and real. For from the microscopic to the macroscopic the dynamic of the cosmos is one. There is no man for himself. There is no land of the free in the land of disconnection and loneliness. I have rooted myself in Love. To be flexible and ever changing, to be like a season, like a plant, like an animal, like a particle.

 

I follow

 

the Bliss of life

to be in Bloom.

 

I Breathe.

 

Erica

Right to Live

I need to be reminded

that I have a right to live.

I look at myself

and I don’t like all I see.

I stand

Facing the vastness of this Creation

The overwhelming beauty of this Firmament

The breathtaking landscapes and horizons of this Earth.

And I compare myself

to find myself so small,

almost insignificant.

And I feel terrified and lost.

Yet a voice speaks to me

and awakens my soul.

To remind me that I am called

to be a part of this creation

I am

alive to participate and contribute

to the Majesty of this Universe.

My Life

My Existence

Are necessary pieces

Called to be alive.

And I compare myself

And I find the Universe in Me.

 

Erica