Someone, at the beginning of Time, wrote the birth of an idea. Now, that idea is me. The complexity of my being has been hunting me like a silent curse, hidden from the most and myself. I was born with a mix of unidentified rainbow colors in my soul and the best I could do, given what I had and what I knew, was to try and name them with whatever name came close enough. But nothing ever seemed to really fit me, no word actually felt precise enough to describe me.
When I was a child I remember looking in the mirror and simply seeing a friendly face and loving it, feeling like it represented all that I was. My soul, my love, my energy. Growing up, I started developing the specific traits of my physical gender and the more I became a woman the more I started looking in the mirror and not recognizing all I saw. A part of me was slowly fading, dying at my own sight leaving me horrified and helpless. The more my woman took over the more my man disappeared, forgotten behind my esthetics. Internally I was both, fully, equally masculine and feminine. Like a mixed AI that can run on both Mac and Windows with equal efficiency. I loved and liked both guys and girls, I was equally interested in math and science as well as the arts and the poetry of life. Everything in me was a sign of both essences, living within me. Inhabiting me like beautiful complementary pieces of the same altar I am. But I didn’t see it that way at the time. I felt an excruciating contrast and a never-ending conflict, a dangerous inability to comprehend myself and love what I became. I hated myself I hated my looks, I hated the impossible quest that kept waking me at night and nearly killed me as it became so intense to try and take my own life. Who am I? No one was responsible forthis horrible pain I felt in my soul, people were always kind and sweet to me praising both my intelligence and my beauty. Yet there was no rest for me. There was never the feeling of being FULLY loved, fully seen. I couldn’t explain myself and from the outside people weren’t given the tools to access the truth of my IDENTITY. All they had was my physical appearance and they did the best they could with all they had.
At 21 the first word of relief came to me: BISEXUAL. A person that can love and like both physical genders, both males and females. I was. I was something, I was part of something. Maybe after all I didn’t need to disappear or die, maybe someone could – love me. But as the years passed by, I realized my quest was still pounding in my chest. Who am I? And kept me up at night, and kept me in pain, in hate, in self-rejection and desperation. All that people could see was a gorgeous gifted woman, all I saw was a weird creature that only seemed familiar half of the time I would look in the mirror. How would you feel if all of a sudden you were to find the opposite of what you expect, reflecting back at you? It was a shock. Every time. It wouldn’t get better. And I couldn’t explain it to anyone, because from the outside all looked so great. I couldn’t explain that I hated my curves because I expected to see a muscular chest instead. I didn’t even know if that was truly the problem. The complexity of my being was still hunting me like a silent curse.
And finally, after a life-long research of exploration that lead me to the other side of the world from my country of origin, while digging on every side of myself through acting, modeling, reading, writing, talking sharing listening praying to find an answer – a second word of infinite relief finally came to me to to rescue my soul. NON-BINARY. A person that internally IS both a man and a woman. A person that lives in both dimensions, contemporarily at all times. I knew I was. And for the first time in my life I am. I am again. And tears come streaming down my face as I’m typing this. I am. There are others like me. I belong. There is a family of being out there that lives my same truth.
The complexity of human beings is revealing itself to be so far beyond the simplicity we all have been taught. As Humans we have three different separate and independent realities that ultimately define us: our internal identity, who we feel we are. Our attraction, what we love, what we like and what we are attracted to. And our physical gender, what we look like, as far as esthetics and exterior shape. These three components are so varied and mixed and uniquely combined that trying to fit into a narrow shape is nothing but hurtful and violent. We have been violent towards ourselves, I have been. Every fucking day of my life till today, when I was given an explanation and a word of approval.
I feel the deep responsibility to share my story and my truth, because we need to know. Someone could be dying today, feeling unloved and unseen. And we know how horrible that is. How deeply it cuts when you are NOT loved for who you are. I don’t ever want to be violent nor towards myself nor towards others. I want to be in the light of knowledge and awareness and give us a better explanation of who we are. I want to be a face and a point of reference, I want to be a vessel of truth and deeper understanding. Because I am the living proof that the less you know the more you hate. The more you know the more you love.
Our generation is given this huge gift and responsibility to bring forth the new discoveries of what we are. We are not simple linear beings. We are a complex intelligent systems wired in a million ways, internally, emotionally and externally.
We are a divine TRINITY.
I pray to be in the wind of change.
I pray to be myself.
And be loved for all that I am.